
aassJEKiil^ 



V 
TURNING THE TABLES. 



A FARCE, 



IN ONE ACT. 



By JOHN POOLE, Esa., 

AUTHOB or 

"Paul Pry," « Simpson and Co„" « Mattied and Single," •'Intrigue," " Lodg- 
ings for Single Gentlemen," " A Nabob for an Hour," &c. &c. &c 



TO Which is added. 



A Deecription of the Costume, — Cast of the Characters, — the 
whole of the Stage Business, 

SITUATIONS,— -ENTRANCES, — EXITS, — PROPBKTIES AND 
DIRECTIONS. 



AS PBEPOBlMED AT 

THE LONDON THEATRES. 



BALTIMORE: 
PRINTED AND PUBLISHED BY JdS. ROBINSON, 

Circulating Library, 2, N. Calvert-street. 

1834. 



c^; 






^ 



DRAMATIS PERSONiE. 



Knibbs, Mr. Hughes. 

Jeremiah Bumps, ...... 10..... Mr. Cooper. 

Edgar de Courcy,.^.. ..*.'«/. Mr. Vining. 

Thornton, o = . Mr. J. Vining. 

Jack Humphries, Mr. Liston. 

Miss Knibbs, * Miss Faucit. 

Mrs. Humphries, Mrs. C. Jones. 

Patty Larkins, Mrs. Orger. 

The Scene lies at Uxbridge. 



First Performed at the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, 
on Thursday, November 11th, 1830. 

Time of Representation — 1 hour, 5 minutes. 



COSTUME. 

Knibbs — Old man's brown suit, white silk stockings. 

Jeremiah Bumps — Black coat, nankeen trowsers. 

Edgar de CoMra/— Blue frock coat, white trowsers. 

Jack JTiimphnes — First dress, Black breeches, white coat, black 

striped waistcoat, high boots. Second, a Major Sturgeon's 

dress. 
jyiiss Knibbs— 'White muslin dress, trimmed with white satin. 
JPatty — Figured muslin tuck-up gown, white petticoat, and apron. 






TURNING THE TABLES. 



SCE]^E I. 

A Room at Old Knihb's, bn cne side a ivindoiv. 

Enter Old Kmibbs and Miss Knibbs, l. h,, a book 
in her hand. 

Knibbs. I tell you what, Sally— your nonsensical 
play-books and romances have turned your head. 
What objection have you to the young fellow for a 
husband ? 

Miss K, Millions — insurmountable ! 

Knibbs. Millions! (Looking at his nvatch) In 
that case I have not time to listen to them all just 
now ; but you may let me hear two or three thousand 
of them as a beginning. Now, for the first. 

Miss K. Would my venerable and reputed sire 
force his offspring to become the consort of one she 
never beheld? 

Knibbs. If by your venerable sire you mean — in 
plain English, me, your father, your daddy. I don't 
mean to force you to any such thing, for you shall 
see him before you marry him. He will be with us 
to-day ; and as he is young, rich, handsome, good- 
tempered, and well-educated, you can have no rea- 
sonable objection to him ; so to no more will I listen. 

Miss K. This tyranny is insupportable! No, sir, 
yuu may load my fragile form with chains, and im- 
merse me in the deepest dungeon of your castle, but 
my affections are not to be controlled. 

Knibbs. Hoity-toity! chains and dungeons ! Why 
surely the girl fancies herself the daughter of some 
blood-thirsty German baron, living in an iron tower, 



4 TURNING THE TABLES. 

in the Black Forest. Hark'ee, girl! (snatches the 
book from her) hark'ee ; whilst I state the case, 
stripped of all romance and foolery. You are Sally 
Knibbs, daughter of old Sam Knibbs, a retired haber- 
dasher, living upon a comfortable independence here 
at Uxbridge : young Bumps, the son of a rich rib- 
bon-weaver at Coventry, is to be your husband : 
and, though I have neither chains nor dungeons for 
you, yet if you dare cc refuse him, I'll lock you up 
in your room, and keep you upon bread and water 
till I have compelled you to give your free consent 
to marry him. 

Miss K. Once more consider, sir : I am the sole 
pledge of affection bequeathed you by my departed 
maternal parent. Would you see me wretched, as 
I must be if doomed to become Mrs. Bumps } Hea- 
vens ! what a name ! 

Knibbs. Well, I admit it isn't a very pretty name ; 
but as I have not heard that any one of the young 
gentleman's family ever died of it, it is to be hoped 
you will get over it in time. 

Miss K. When my heart is irrevocably another's! 

Knibbs. Aye, Mr. Edgar de Courcy's, articled 
clerk to an attorney. Now, De Courcy is a sweet 
name ; but as his pretty name is the young man's 
fortune, if you choose to marry him you must con- 
trive to live on the interest upon it, for not a guinea 
will I ever give you. 

Miss K. But in a month or two he will be free ; 
he will begin business for himself, and then 

Knibbs. No more of this. And now as I am going 
out for some time, should ivlr. Bumps arrive before 
my return, do you receive him becomingly, and 
apologize to him for my absence. 

Miss K Your mandate shall be obeyed. 

Knibbs. As for your Mr. Edgar de Courcy, never 
let him dare enter my doors again. \_Exit Knibbs, 
L. H. ; at the same moment Edgar de Courcy throws 
up, the windoiv-sash and climbs in.) 



TURNING THE TABLES. 5 

Edgar. Doors! would Edgar de Courcy ignobly 
creep in at a door whilst he can fly into the arms of 
his mistress through a window ! 

Miss K. Edgar! 

Edgar. Celestina! (they embrace. J 

Miss K. This is charming I Get out of window 
again and do it once more. 

Edgar. I would with pleasure, but time presses. 
Tell me, Celestina— 

Miss K. Celestina ! What a sweet idea it was of 
your*s to convert my horrible name of Sally into 
Celestina. 

Edgar. And I hope soon to convert your horrible 
name of Knibbs into De Courcy. But what says the 
insatiable tyrant, your father ? Is he still inexora- 
ble ? 

Miss K. Fixed as Mount Olympus. He has set 
his heart on my marrying this Mr. Bumps, from 
Coventry, and he won't listen to a word I say against 
it. 

Edgar' Bumps! faugh! 

Miss K. Here, take my smelling-bottle, Edgar: 
for my part I am ready to faint at the sound. Sure- 
ly it is sufficiently distressing that a young creature 
of delicate susceptibilities should have been con- 
demned to be Miss Knibbs all her life ; but to change 
from Miss Knibbs into Mrs. Bumps ! 

Edgar. Horrid ! From caterpiller to grub I But 
the butterfly transformation from Knibbs to De 
Courcy ! 

Miss K. There is but one way to avoid it : we 
must borrow the wings of Cupid and fly to Gretna- 
green. 

Edgar. That is not a bad idea; but in that case 
we must borrow something more. 

Miss K. I don't understand you. 

Edgar. Why, unluckily, the Cupids on the north- 
road charge fifteen-pence a mile posting, and it so 

happens that (fiuts his hand into hia pocket) 

1* 



6 J UBNING THE TABLfciS. 

that's one objection to it : and another is that if I 
run away from my articles I shall get into a devil of 
a scrape. 

Miss K, Dear me, dear me ! If I had but a casket 
of jewels now, as is usual on suah occasions ! 

Edgar. If — ! or if post-boys were African savages 
we might bribe them with your coral beads. Bur; 
since "Ifs'* won't help us, we must endeavour to 
devise something that will. When is the hated rival 
expected. 

MisB K. Alas! from hour to hour. 
Edgar. What sort of animal is it.^ 
Miss X. What do you expect it should be, with 
such a name ? My father says it is handsome ; but, to 
be sure, he would say the best of his own beautiful 
choice. 

Edgar. I see him before me. Bumps! a silly, 
country hawbuck. Hang it ! if we had but time be- 
fore us; or if we could intercept him on his road 
hither and keep him out of the way till we had ar- 
ranged some plan — Hold! my friend Jack Hum- 
phries, the exciseman: — we must get his assistance : 
he'll have a thousand schemes for us in an instant. 

Miss K. And so he will; he's the cleverest crea- 
ture in Uxbridgc. 

Edgar. The pleasantest fellow, the best com- 
panion in the world ; full of wit and drollery ; sings 
a good song; tells a capital story ; slaps you on the 
back that you would think your head was off; and 
for hoaxing and quizzing he is the terror of the place. 
Miss K. Tom Thornton says he can't speak Eng- 
lish, and that he makes use of words and phrases he 
don't understand: but that is envy: for I cm tell 
you he writes the puffs about the genuine Sicilian 
bear's grease ; and all the poetry for Gloss's patent 
blacking— though he is too modest to own it. 

Edgar. I know he does Then, again, Tom Thorn- 
ton says he pretends to be the inventor and the di- 
rector of every thing, when, in fact, he has not an 



TURNING THE TABLES. " 7 

idea in his head; and that he snatches the thoughts 
out of your mouth while you are in the very act of 
uttering them, and coolly returns them upon you as 
his own. Envy again! Ah ! take him for all in all, 
there is but one Jack. Humphries in Uxbridge. 

Miss A. Sure as I live he is crossing the street 
now. That's lucky. Call him in. 

Edgar, {hesitatingly) No, no — my cousin Tom 
Thornton is with him. » 

Miss K. So much the better; he may be useful. 
Call him in, I say. 

Edgar, {goes to the window and calls) Hey ! Hum- 
phries! Tom! 

Jack, (without) Ah! ha! my young Esculapius, 
are you there ^ Well, what is it you want ^ 

Edgar. Never mind what we want, but make 
haste up. That's right, they're coming. 

AJiss K. What a silly creature you are, Edgar, to 
be jealous of your own cousin : so often, too, as T 
have a'^sured you that the story of his having made 
love to me, when I was at St. Albans, on a visit to 
my grandmother, and of my giving him my profile 
cut in black paper, was all an invention. 

Edgar, O Sally — Celestina I should say — love 
passionate :is mine, and like gunpowder explodes at 
the slightest spark of jealousy. 

Miss K. Charmingly said ! 

Edgar. But when the combustible — when like a 
damper {aside) How cursed hard it is to be figu- 
rative; in short, I am satisfied, and I'll never be 
jealous again. 

Miss K. Remember that promise, {aside) That 
was going to be a beautiful speech; and I'll u.akc 
him finish it some other time. But here they are. 

Enter Jack Humphries and Thornton, r. h. 

Jack. Now my noble son of Esculapius, what have 
you to — {seeing Miss Knibbs) — But stand aside, 
" For when a lady's in the case 
All otlier things, of course, give place." 



8 TURNING THE TABLES. 

Prettily quoted, I flatter myself. {Borne with an air 
of self 8uffi.ciencijy and ivit/i vulgar gentility.) Miss 
Sally, your humble. 

Edgar. Sink Sally : Celestina. 

Jack. And why not Celestial — since she is an an- 
gel } Come, that's as neat a thing that ever I said. 
Extempore, too. 

Thorn. But why call my cousin Esculapius, when 
you know he is a lawyer? 

Jack. Eh ? — Ah, true, I forgot. Esculapius was 
an apothecary. But 'tis all one : lawyers and doctors 
both bleed. Ha! ha! ha! 

All. ( a/ifilauding ) Excellent! capital! 

Jack. C aside) Got that joke out of a farce — 
needn't tell them that, though. But, quick ; your 
business with me, for I'm in haste : I have a little 
matter of excise to do. You must know there is a 
chap in the town changing blackberry juice into old 
crusted port, seven years in bottle. Ha! ha! ha! 
neat as imported. Ha! ha! ha! Can't stand that, 
you know. Ha! ha! ha! I have a devilish comical 
way with me, have not I } 

Miss K. What a divine creature he is ! 

Edgar. To do you justice, Jack, I don't know your 
equal for wit. 

Jack. My equal ! come now But there's no man 

in Uxbridge with so fine a judgment as your's ; and 
I know you are no flatterer; and, modesty apart, 
there is a little in me, 1 believe. But to your busi- 
ness. 

Edgar. Then this it is : you are aware that Celes- 
tina and I have long been mutually attached. 

Miss K. Or, to speak more intelligibly, our hearts 
are burning with a mutual flame. 

Jack, Which flame, papa Knibbs is determined to 
quench with a bucket full of parental authority. 
Ha ! hai ha! And that is not amiss for an off'-hand 
—eh? 

Thorn. Paternal would have been as well. 



TURNING THE TABLES. 9 

Jack, (with a look of contemfit, turns from him to 
De Courcy) When is your rival expected ? 

Edgar. To-day; and that circumstance renders 
our situation so much the more desperate. Now, 
Jack, as we know you to be a clever fellow, we want 
you to help us through our difficulties. 

Jack. Will you give yourselves entirely up to my 
jurisprudence i* 

Edgar. Without reserve. 

Miss K. We'll do anything you may direct. 

Jack. Then the business is settled. Jack Hum- 
phries is a ready fellow at a scheme, that's the truth 
on*t. Now don't lose a moment: cram a few things 
into a portmanteau, jump into a post-chaise, and off 
to Gretna. I'll go at once and order horses for you 
— and that's what it is to have a friend at your elbow. 
(going) 

Edgar. Celestina has already suggested that plan, 
but there are many reasons against it. First, we 
have no money ; secondly 

Jack. ( interrufiting him) The first will do. What 
the deuce — ! If you had but given me a few days' 
notice of this, I'd have had a dozen schemes in a 
secundum artem for you. Let me see — ! Where's 
dad? 

Miss K. Out ; and I don't think he'll soon return. 

Jack. That is something in our favour; it will al^ 
low us time to think. 

Miss K. But, dear me, Mr Humphries, we mustn't 
waste our time in thinking. I fancied you great wits 
never think at all, but do every thing on the speed 
of the moment — just as you'd write an impromptu in 
a lady's album. 

Jack. Pretty much the same; for, to let you into 
a secret, some of us require two or three days* 
thinking even for that. But, come; describe this 
rival to me. 

Edgar. Nonsense, Jack, for his description. His 



10 TURNING THE TAULES. 

name is Bumps, he's a ribbon-weaver's son, and comes 
from Coventry. What has that to do with it ? 

Jack. Every thing. 1 have it at once: — yoa must 
no, that won't do, — Let me see, let me see ! 

Thorn. My notion is that if we were to frighten 
him out of the house by some trick which should 
deter him from ever again 

Jack. ( inter rufiting him) Now, my dear Tom, 
why ivill you inteifere ? You are an excellent fellow, 
but you are on such good terms with yourself that 

really {to the others) This is my notion : If this 

Bumps should arrive while old Knibbs is absent, we'll 
play off some trick to frighten him out of the house. 
I'll be bound he's f-ome country lout — half clown, 
half idiot ; so leave him to me, and if he remains a 
night at Uxbridge, my name isn't Jack Humphries. 
Bumps! Ha! ha! ha I Dobby Dumps, beyond a 
doubt — sure of the anachronism. 

Thorn. The alliteration, I suppose you mean. But 
you're mistaken ; his name is Jeremiah. 

Jack. Allit Now, pray, where is the difference ? 

What a conceited /ze«f/a;2r it is — breaking butterflies 
with wheels within wheels. Really if I am to be 
interrupted in this way I must 

Edgar. Now, pray Tom — consider that when a 
man like Jack Humphries speaks, it were but be- 
coming in us to 

Miss K. Indeed, Mr. De Courcy, I don't perceive 
that Mr. Thornton has said any thing amiss. 

Edgar. Upon my word, madam, this is tolerably 
plain. 

Miss A. Jealous again already } 

Jack. Now — now — no quarrelling amongst us. Let 
us league against the common enemy, and our motro 
be consort and uniformity^ and Til give Mr. Jerry 
Bumps enough ot Uxbridge the first hour to last him 
his life, 

Edgar. But in what way ! 



lUUNlNG THK TABLES. 11 

Jack. I'll quiz his heart out. You know well 
enough that when I set my wit against any one» 
there's no standing me. Now, Jerry : Jerry Sneak! 
Ha! ha! ha! Come from Coventiy: Peeping Tom! 
Ha ! ha! ha! (they all laugh and apfilaud. ) 

Thorn. I like that idea of Jerry Sneak. As you 
have the dress you acted Major Sturgeon in, wheu 
we played the " Mayor of Garrett," last Christmas 
holydays, suppose 

Jack. Now, there again ! — Suppose! What else 

could you suppose I mean to do.** One would ima- 
gine I have not an idea of my own. (to the others) 
My intention is to put on my Major Sturgeon dress, 
pass for a military friend of your's — military, do you 
take } — treat Mr. Jerry Bumps like a thorough Jeiry 
Sneak, and fairly Hector him out of the town. 

Edgar. Good ! And what are we to do .<* 

Jack. Eh? — Let me see — ! {to Thornton) Now 
don't you interfere, (a iiause) I say don't you in- 
^rfere. 

Thorn. Well, I don't. 

Miss K. But what are we to do ? 

Jack, {aside) What an empty-headed fellow that 
Thornton is ! not an idea! — {to the others) I have 
it: — you must do nothing; — merely support me: fol- 
low your leader. Ha! ha! ha! I flatter myself Jack 
Humphries will be enough for him — and something 
to spare, eh? Ha! ha! ha! 

Miss K. What if we had Mrs. Humphries for an 
auxiliary ? 

Jack, (affecting not to have heard her ) I've an- 
other idea. My little woman shall be admitted into 
the conspiracy. Mrs. Humphries has a vast deal of 
humour, though I say it ; and now and then she lets 
off a joke I shouldn't be ashamed to own to myself — 
but then, you know, we have been married so long. 
Ah ! she is a wife a man may well be proud of. You 
should see h^ r album and scrap-book — all of her own 



12 TUliNlNG THE TABLES. 

collecting! And then for sly, small slander— e cod ! 
even her best friend can't escape her. 

Thorn. Excellent woman! I am glad to find there 
was no truth in that report about her being seen one 
night when she was in London, going to Vauxhall in 
a hackney chariot with — 

Jack. Mr. Thornton — sir — that is a subject, sir — > 
my little woman has convinced me of her innocence, 
sir — and if I am satisfied, sir 

Edgar. Come, come, no more of this : let us go all 
three together to your little woman, and prepare her 
for what we intend. 

Jack. We will. We shall find her useful, depend 
on't. When I have fired off my great artdlery at 
the enemy, she and you may pepper him with your 
small arms. Come, we'll talk more of the matter 
by the way. {going) 

Miss K. (calling him back) Mr. Humphries ! 
Wouldn't it be prudent to send some one to the 
coach-office to give us notice of the arrival of 

Jack. Now, my dear Miss Knibbs, can you ima- 
gine it possible I should have suppressed so impor- 
tant a point? Why, of course, we must — let me 
see — ! 

Thorn. Aye, and with directions, in case they 
should meet with him, to send the bumpkin two or 
three miles abroad. 'Twill give us time. 

Jack. Ha! ha! ha! A pretty roundabout way 
we'll send him. I flatter myself that is no bad idea 
of mine. 

Miss K. I'll ring for our maid, Patty Larkins: 
she'll do it. {about to ring.) 

Enter Patty Larkins, r. h., abrufitly and crosses. 

Here, Patty, Patty, where are you going } \ H 

Patty. To the coach-office, miss. I'll do it all ^ 

properly. 
Miss K, Why, how do you know ? 



TURNING THE TABLES. 13 

Patty. I've been a listening at the door, please, 
miss. 

Miss K. Was ever such impertinence heard of! 

Patty. Why, la! miss, where's the harm of it ? 
I've done all my work and had nothing else to do. If 
a poor servant girl mayn't make use of her ears, she 
might as well be without them. 

Jack Exquisite sinpleton ! Ha! ha! ha! Now this 
is what I delight in. {to Patty) So you have very 
good ears, it seems. Ha! ha! ha! and very long 
ones too! Ha! ha! ha! 

Patty. There's no judging by that, though, sir : 
see how astonishing short your's are. 

Jack, {angrily) Patty, you But you are too 

mean a fool tor me to be angry with you. 

Patty, {going away from him) O, I know my dis- 
tance, sir. — Now I'll go to the coach-office, watch 
for Mr. Jeremiah Bumps, send him out of his way, 
give you timely notice, and — I know what I'm to do 3 
1 haven't listened for nothing. What a queer-look- 
ing man he must be with such a name as Bumps! 

[Exit L. H. 

Jack. I hope that stupid girl will make no mistake. 

Miss K. We may trust to her very stupidity ; for 
she'll just do what she has to do, and no more. 

Jack. Now, then, let's away. (" Going — he drofis 
a fiafier^ a% if by accident, and hastily flicks it ufi 
again. J 

Edgar. What's that ? 

Jack. Nothing — nothing. 

Aliss K. 'Tis something of your's, I'm certain. 
Pray let us hear it: you know I so delight in your 
poetry. 

Jack. Psha ! a trifle. Not at all in your way ; no 
roses and lilies in this, I promise you. Besides, I 
would not be known as the author for worlds. 

Edgar. You may trust us. 

Thorn. An Epigram, I'll bet a wager. 



U TUKMNG THE TABLES. 

Jack. You may well call it an epigram : one of the 
most cutting things I ever wrote : — bitter as gall. 

All. Let us have it, let us have it. 

Jack. You have heard what is whispered- about 
Captain Higgins and Mrs. Porter? Don't forget that, 
because Porter is the point of the epigram. Ahem ! 
{reads) 

" The other day to Uxbridije town, 
A Captain of Dragoons came clown:" 

He is, in fact, a captain of Infantry, but " Infantry" 
would be too long for the nuterology. {reads) 

" Dragoons came down : 

No wonder why he came down here, 

For well we know — " 

The lady's name is Porter remember, {reads.) 

" For well we know he's fond of 6<?er." 

Miss K, Admirable ! I'll take care not to quarrel 
with you, Mr. Humphries. 

Kdgar. Cruelly severe, indeed! 

Jack. You think so } Well, there is a dash of cay- 
enne in it, I believe. " For well we know he's fond 
of beer.** It will break their hearts ; But come, let 
us be off, and prepare. I'll /lost-obit my little matter 
of excise till to-morrow : sine die, as they say. I'm 
all impatience to encounter Mr. Jeremiah Bumps; 
and when we do meet, you shall see some delicious 
sport, Miss Celestina, or never trust Jack Humphries 
again. " For well we know he's fond of deer." 

[Exeunt Jack Humphries, Thorwton, and De 
CouRCY on one side, Miss Knibbs into a room 
at the back. 

SCENE 11.—^ Street in Uxbridge. 

Enter Bumps, l. h. 
Bumfis, (sfieaking off) Put up, my lad, and give 
the horse a feed ; 1 shall sleep here, to-night. So, 



TURNING THE TABLES. 15 

here I am in Uxbridge. My father and the young 
lady's have settled this match very much to their 
own satisfaction ; but it is yet to be determined whe- 
ther no less important a personage than my father's 
son will consent to become a party to the contract. 
Dad says the girl is pretty; dad's taste and mine 
may differ; in which case, with all possible respect 
for his inclination, I shall most dutifully follow my 
own. Then, Miss Knibbs may turn out to be very 
green, or, which is worse, very blue : and rather 
than choose a blue woman for a wife, hang me but 
I'd marry a black one ! Well, here I am, and a few 
minutes will decide. Now which, I wonder, is the 
house ! Oh. here comes one who may direct me. 

Enter Patty, r. h. 

Pray, my pretty maid, do you know where Mr. 
Knibbs lives ? 

Patty, (curtseys) Yes, sir. (crosses^ as to go.) 

Bum/is. But stay, stay ; you didn't tell me where. 

Patty, You didn't ask me that, sir. 

Bum/is. (aside) Passing stupid, I perceive. Well, 
then — will you tell me in which particular house in 
this town Mr. Knibbs lives ^ 

Patty. Yonder, sir, in the house with the green 
blinds. — What a smart, handsome young gentleman 
it is! — I'm sure he's a Lonnoner. — Are you going 
there, sir? 

Bumps. Yes, and I thank you for directing me. 
{going) 

Patty. I live there too, sir. 

Bumps, (aside) So, so ; this is lucky.— You are 
one of Mr. Knibbs's establishment > 

Patty. Sir! — I don't know what you see in me to 
take me for any such thing! No, sir, I am an hon- 
est servant maid. 

Bumps. No offence, my dear ; that is all I meant. 
Can you keep a secret ? 



la TURNING THE TABLES. 

Patty, {holding out her hand.) I'll keep any thing 
you may please to give me, sir. 

Bum/is. Here, then, (gives her money ) Now an- 
swer two or three questions respecting the family, 
and promise not to mention that I have made the 
inquiry. 

Patty. T won't, sir; — not for twice as much. 

Bump.8. First, then ; is your lady pretty ! 

Patty. For my part, I don't think any of the Ux- 
bridge women pretty. / come from Dunstable, sir. 
But, such as she is, she is too good for the fright that 
is coming to marry her. 

Bum/is. Ahem ! And who may he be ? 

Patty. One Mr. Bumps—Jerry Bumps — what else 
than a fright, or a fool, too. as they all say, can he 
be with such a name } 

Bumps. There is nothing very prepossessing in 
the name, certainly ; but that is no fault of the young 
gentleman : he didn't christen himself ; and his quali- 
fications in other respects may 

Patty. Eh > — How would he } — Well, he is expect- 
ed down by the coach, and I am sent to meet him, 
and to lead him out of his way; so I must go, else 
he may get home before the tricks they are prepar- 
ing to play off upon him are ready ; and that would 
spoil all. 

Bumfis. Tricks } — Stay one moment. Your mis- 
tress is averse from this proposed union, in conse- 
quence, I suspect, of an attachment in some other 
quarter. 

Patty. What's in it ? I don't understand all them 
words. 

Bumfis. She loves somebody else, I suppose. 

Patty. Yes, Mr. Edgar de Courcy, lawyer Quirk's 
clerk : but she is so affectionate and constant, and so 
good, that if she were to marry Mr. Bumps she would 
never love any other than lawyer Quirk's clerk. 

Bumfis. {aside) Now is this stupidity, or is it cun- 
ning! So. then, Mr. De Courcy is the happy man } 



TURNING THE TABLES. 17 

Patty. No, he an't quite happy ; he is jealous of 
his cousin, Mr. Tom Thornton. 

Bumfis. {aside) This intelligence may be useful to 
me. — But they are all friends now, I hope ? 

Patty. Yes, now since Miss Sally vowed that Mr. 
Tom never did make love to her at her grandmo- 
ther's at St. Albans; — else they were going to fight 
about it — with real pistols. 

Bumfis. But what are those tricks you spoke of? 

Patty. Why — something or other to frighten Mr. 
Bumps out of the house; and plague him, so that 
he'll never dare shew his foolish ugly face in it again. 
And because his name is Jerry, Mr. Jack Humphries 
is to treat him like the man in the play they acted 
last Christmas. 

Bumfis. The man in the play ? Oh, Jerry Sneak, 
I suppose? 

Patty. Aye; and Mr. Jack Humphries is to be 
the officer who is to frighten him. 

Bumfis. (aside) So, so, 'tis well I know my cue ; — 
Jerry Sneak . — One word more ; who is Mr. Jack 
Humphries.^ 

Patty. O, he is the funny man — he is at the head 
of all this. He makes jokes, and sings songs, and 
imitates all sorts of beastes. He barks as well as a 
dog; and he is so clever, I'll defy you to tell the dif- 
ference between him and a jack-ass. — And then his 
little woman, as he calls her, is to do something, 
though I don't know what. 

Bumfis. He Is married then ? 

Patty. Yes, to Mrs. Humphries. But they were 
going to part a few months ago, because it was all 
over Uxbridge that she was seen in London, one 
evening last August, with a gentleman in a hackney- 
coach, a going to Vauxhall. And such a talk as it 
made! for you must know that the folks of this town 
— What do you think of this town, sir? 

Bumfis. Why — not much, 

2* 



18 TURNING THE TABLES. 

Patty. Ah ! there's no place after Dunstable, sir. 
But bad as the town is, the people in it are worse, 
and our family are the worst of all — except Mr. and 
Mrs. Humphries. 

Bumfis. What have the town's-people done to of- 
fend you ? 

Patty. Me? Nothing, sir. But they are such a 
shocking ill spoken set : back biting, tattling — not a 
good word for any body without an eficextioWy and 
all because Mr. Flourish that drives the Lunnoii 

ccach, and I ahem ! — Now don't mention what 

I've told you, sir, for if it should come to Mr. Bumps's 
ears it might spoil every thing, {as she goes) The 
nasty, stingy, ugly wicked-mouthed people! There's 
nothing like us Dunstable folks for carrying sweet 
tongues in our heads. [Exit Patty. 

Bumfis. A reasonable compound of stupidity, cun- 
ning, and malice. But thanks to her for her infor- 
mation, for, without it, a pretty figure I might have 
been made to cut? 'Tis clear there is no marriage 
for me in Uxbridge ; but though the enemy is strong 
and well prepared for the attack, I must not aban- 
don the field like a craven; 1 must make a fight of 
it; so now to arrange my plan of defence. Miss 
Sally Knibbs, who certainly is not blessed with a ro- 
mantic name any more than myself, has taken a dis- 
taste to mine, and fancies that my person and 
manners are in perfect harmony with it : Good. My 
rival is jealous of his own cousin, and, for a straw, 
■would cut his throat ; Good again. But the enemy 
I have most to dread, is a Mr. Jack Humphries. 
Ha! ha! ha! I see the very man! Ignorance, impu- 
dence and conceit; the wit, the droll, the Magnus 
Jfiollo of a provincial town! And his tender mate, 
too. That Vauxhall affair may turn to account. 
Come, I'm thought a tolerably clever fellow myself 
— in Coventry: five minutes for preparation, and if 
I don't demolish Mr. Jack Humphries, may I be sent 
thither for a simpleton. [^Exit r. h. 



TURNING THE TABLES. 19 

SCENE III.— ^ Room at Knibbs's. 

Enter Miss Knibbs. 

Miss K. That stupid Patty not yet returned ! O 
dear me, if that hateful Coventry creature should 
arrive, and I be left here all alone to receive him ! — 
Luckily here comes Edgar. 

Enter De Courcy and Thornton. 

Edgar. Well, Celestina, any news yet of the 
enemy ? 

Miss K. None. 

Edgar. And your father ? 

Miss K. Not yet returned. 

Eldgar. That's well. Now do you go into your 
own room, and conceal yourself till the time proper 
for you to appear. 

Miss K. But when is that ? 

Edgar. When! — That I can't tell you, but such 
is Humphrics's direction. 

Thorn. That is Jack Humphries to a hair : He 
assumes the merit of the whole plot, when, in fact, 
we have nothing from him but "Leave it to me," 
"** Follow your leader." All is left to chance, or to 
the direction of some happier genius than his own. 

Edgar. Envy, Tom, envy; but a man like Hum- 
phries IS iuvulnerable to it's shafts. 

Miss K. And what is his little woman to do.^ 

Thorn. That is a secret, and I must not tell you ; 
but should all else fail her scheme will surely suc- 
ceed. You are to be taken by surprise by it in order 
that you may act your part the more naturally. 'Tis 
his own scheme, though I dare say Humphries will 
assume the merit of it. Ah! his little woman has 
more talent in her finger than Mr. 

Miss K. I see no reason, Mr. Thornton, why you 
should be so ecstatic in her praise. 



20 TURNING THE TABLES. 

Edgar. Nor do I see any reason. Miss Knibbs, 
why Mr. Thornton's ecstaciesneed give you so much 
concern. 

Miss K. There; jealousy, again. 

Bumfis. {without.) Won't nobody tell me which 
is Mr. Knibbs's house? — Thankee, sir; but I don't 
see nothing to laugh at in me. 

Miss K. Hush! {runs to the ivindow) O Heaven! 
what a creature it is! that must be Mr. Bumps. 

Edgar. How unlucky ! and our great supporter 
not with us. But, quick — to your room. We must 
do the best we can till his arrival. 

lExit Miss Knibbs. 

Enter Bumps, l. h. He has made some alteration in 
his dress ; and assumes a tone^ a manner ^ a mode 
of walkings Isfc. such as altogether to give him a 
ridiculous afifiearance. He dangles a stick in his 
hand. 

Bumps. Good morning to you, gentlemen both. 

Edgar. Good night to t/ow, sir. {aside.) Ha i ha ! 
ha ! Just what we expected. 

Bumfis. Good night! Well, I have heard of dif- 
ferent customs in different countries, and so I sup- 
pose——. This is Mr. Knibbs's house, eh ? 

Edgar. It is, sir. 

Bumfis. Are you old Knibbs ? 

Edgar. 1 am not, sir. {laughs, and moves aside 
so that Bumps may see Thornton.) 

Bum/is. C)h ! Then perhaps you are the gentle- 
man whose daughter I am come to marry ? 

Thorn. Wrong again, sir. 

Bum/is. Ah ! Well, one can't tell when one is all 
among strangers, (laughs idiotically.) 

Thorn. What, I wonder, is the fool laughing at! 

Bum/is. I'll lay a wager of ten pounds you can't 
guess what has brought me all the way from Coven- 
try, {takes money from his fiocket.) 



TURNING THE TABLES. 21 

Thorn. To be married. (Bumps stares loith affect- 
ed astonish 7nent.) 

Edgar. To Miss Sally Knibbs. 

Bumjis. Well, if ever I did see the like ! (fiuts 
his money ufi.) Mind, you didn't take the wager, 
though. I'm too deep for you there. 

Thorn. Deep as a well. We should have no 
chance against you in any thing. 

Bumfis. To tell you the truth I don't think you 
would. I'm not at all foolish. 

Edgar. Dear me, now, how one may be deceived 
by appearances. 

Bumfis. Never trust 'em 1 wouldn't swear to 

your's. 

Thorn, {to Edgar) This is such a downright boo- 
by there will be no merit in vanquishing him. Let 
us desist. 

Edgar. No, no ; — besides we must get him out of 
the way. 

Bumfis. I'll tell yoa what it is that makes me so 
sharp. You must know that at Coventry we gay, 
lively, young sparks are always practising— that is, 
we are always trying to hoax one another. Now, 
whoever is the dupe is obUged to pay a capital din- 
ner for all the rest. 

Edgar. I'll answer for it so smart a fellow as you 
are, is never caught. 

Bumfis. That isn't for me to say; but I never let 
them catch me if I can help it. He! he! he! he! 

Edgar, {to Thornton, who has been ivhisfiering to 
him) Psha! there is no hnrm in a good dinner; we'll 
each take a third in the wager, and Humphries will 
take the other ! 'Twill be treating the ninny as he 
deserves, {to Bumps) Well, sir, we'll stake ten 
guineas for the honour of the wits of Uxbridge, and, 
perhaps, before the day is over, we shall see who is 
made to cut the most foolish figure. 

Bumfis. Before the day is over ; mind that. I long 



22 TURNING THE TABLES. 

to have at you. But all in good humour, mind : we 
never lose our temper at Coventry. 

Jack Humfihries. {ivithout — sings) " See the con- 
quering Hero comes!" 

Bum/is. {looking out) My stars! what a fierce- 
looking fellow! I hope that isn't my new father-in- 
law ; I shall be afraid to come near him. 

Thorn. No, that is General General Jacko, 

who has killed more men than you have hairs on 
your head ; and if he should object to your marriage 
with Miss Knibbs, you had better undertake to eat 
him than oppose him. I tell you that as a friend. 

Bumps. If my father had known that, he'd never 
have sent me here. 

Edgar, {to Thornton) That was w^ell thrown in. 

Enter Jack Humphries, l. l. dressed in party like 
Major Sturgeon, with a long sword by his side. 

Jack. Now, lads, is my victim ? 

Edgar. Hush ! {he and Thornton take Humphries 
aside, and whis/ier) 

Bum/is. {aside) So ; that is my redoubtable anta- 
gonist : and equipped as I expected. 'Tis well I am 
prepared for him. 

Jack, {to the others) A wager I It was my inten- 
tion to propose a wager. 

Thor?i. A wager. There again ! 

Jack. And one word for all ; I must take the whole 
of that upon myself, or I have nothing to do with the 
business. 

Edgar. Well, Jack, we withdraw our share in the 
Slakes, so the ten guineas will be your's. 

Jack, {aside) A good morning's work. — Now pre- 
pare to split your sides, {strutting forward) Html 
hem ! — sir, I am proud to welcome you to Uxbridge. 
(strikes him on the shoulder) 

Bum/is. Sir, you are very polite, I'm sure, (a/i- 
fiears to shrink under the blow, and rubs his shoulder) 

Jack, {to the others) Did you mark that ? — Your 



TURNING THE lAlJLES. 23 

hand, Bumps. (Bumps ^/x'fs him his hand awkwardly 
and hastily withdraws it) Powder and smoke ! (to the 
others) Keep your eye on me. — Gunpowder and 
smoke ! (Bumps darks away from him) Is that your 
■way of giving; ynur hand to the oldest friend of your 
family. Your hand, Bumps, (looks towards (he others 
and laughs.) 

Bumps. O, if you are a friend of our family, that 
is a different thing. 

Jack, (to the others) I've made the noodle believe 
I'm a friend of his family. 

Bumtis. There then, (seizes his hand^ and squeezes 
itjirmly^ Humphries writhes^ and makes wry faces') 
I know how to behave to a friend of the family. 

Edgar. Bravo, Jack. 

Thorn. At him again. 

Jack, At him ! Confound the fellow! one might as 
well put one's finger in one of his father's ribbon- 
presses. 

Bumfis. So you know my family, sir.** 

Jack. Aye — your father is — Peeping Tom ; (looks 
at the others and laughs) and your mother — your 
mother is Lady Godiva. Ha! ha! ha! 

Bumfis. O, no, my mother is'nt at all like Lady 
Godiva : she is a short, stumpy, round little woman. 
She never rode a horse- back in her life, and I'm sure 
she wouldn't in that way, for she has not at all a fine 
head of hair. 

Edgar. This is exquisite. 

Thorn. You'll be the death of him. 

Jack. And do you pretend, Mr. Jeremiah Bumps, 
that you don't remember me .-* 

Bumps, Why, if I never saw you before— 

Jack. How ! — Don't you remember } (aside) Let 

me see what shall I remind him of ! Don't you 

remember my tripping up your heels at the Corpo- 
ration Ball ? 

Bumps. Lord ! and was it you ^ 

Jack, {aside) One can persuade him to any thing. 



24 TURNING THE TABLES. 

Bumfis. Well» I'm so much obliged to you. 

Jack. Ha! ha! ha! For tripping up your heels ? 

Bumfis. No; for telling me who it was that did 
it /and since it was you — He! he! he! he! — you 
must give me satisfaction. 

Jack, {to the others) He swallows it. — {to Bumps) 
Satisfaction, my hero! In any way you please. 
Congreve rockets, or four-and-twenty-ppunders ? 

Bu7nfis. {shakes his head ) No — I'm afraid of them; 
I'll not fight with any thing but little pistols— such 
as these, f draws a brace of fiistols from his fiockets.) 

Thorn. Excellent! Keep it up, Jack. They're 
not charged ; they'd never trust such a simpleton as 
this with loaded pistols. 

Jack, (retiring.) You are a very brave fellow, I 
dare say, but 

Bumfis. No, I an't in the least ; but as I'm sure of 
bringing down my man at the first fire, I don't run 
any risk — otherwise I'd never think of fighting with 
a general like you. (Humphries walks away.) 

Edgar, (encouraging him J Bravo, Jack: you are 
doing it admirably. 

Thorn. Nothing can be better. 

Jack. He's not worth sitting my wit at — {to Bumfia) 
Put down those pistols. — Ha! ha! ha! — Why, you' 
didn't think I was serious } Did you ever see such a 
creature ? 

Bumfis. Oh ! — then you were only laughing at me ? 

Jack. Aye — I was laughing at you, that was all. 
(winks at the others.) 

Bumfis. Ah ! But as 1 didn't come to Uxbridge to 
be laughed at — (firesenting the fiistols to him) — take 
■whichever you please — 'tis all fair; there is only a 
brace of slugs in each. (Humphries again walks 
away and endeavours to get behind the others) But, 
just to shew you what I can do, stand still, and I'll 
carry oif the right hand curl of your wig without 
hurting you; and if, by mistake, a ball should go 
through your head, I'll give you leave to call me a 



TURNING THE TABLES. 25 

bungler, that's all. Hold him steady, gentlemen, for 
fear of an accident. (Thornton and Edgar hastily 
get out of the way.) 

Jack, (in great alarm) I say — you — mister— 
(aside) People ought to be ashamed of themselves 
to trust such a bumpkin with pistols. 

Bumfis. He ! he ! he ! Why the general is fright- 
ened, I do declare ! Well, who*d have thought that 
ever I should frighten a general ! 

Jac/t. Delicious! What a natural ! I've made him 
believe I'm frightened. Keep close to me, lads — it is 
capital sport. — (to Bum/is)^Yes, yes, I am fright- 
ened; but this is my weapon, ( draws and flourishes 
his sword.) and if you are for satisfaction, my Alex- 
ander the Great, to-morrow — to-morrow I'm your 
man, (to the others) We must get him out of the 
way at once. 

Bumfis, (retiring) What a terrible long sword! 
No wonder you have killed more men than I have 
hairs on my head. I don't like that long sword ; so, 
instead of fighting, suppose you beg my pardon for 
laughing at me. 

Jack. ( brandishing his sword ) What's that I hear! 
Beg pardon ! Ahem ! 

Bumfis. Well, then, if we must fight . But 

since that is your weapon, and I am not a very good 
fencer, I hope you'll excuse me — {slowly draws a 
sword from his cane)— if I run you through the body 
in rather an awkward fashion, (throws himself into 
a fencing fiosition,) 

Thorn, {to Humphries who is endeavouring to get 
away) Now for your great artillery, Jack ; now is 
your time to demolish him. 

Jack. O — pooh — (to Bumps who advances ufion 
him) Keep off, sir, — I beg your pardon, — I say, I beg 
your pardon, sir. 

Bumfis. Well, since you beg my pardon I'm satis- 
fied, {fiuts up, his sword.) 

Jack, Umph ! (wifies his forehead and says to the 
3 



!26 TURNING THE TABLES. 

others) The fool ! I flatter myself I did that well : Pve 
made him believe I begg'd his pardon. 

Thorn. You did that so well, Humphries, that 'gad 
you made me believe it too. 

BumfiB. Now, we'll shake hands, general— (Jack w 
about to give his hand, but hastily withdraws it and 
walks away) And then I should like to see the lady 
I'm to make love to. 

Edgar, {in a blustering tone) Two words to that, 
if you please, sir. (Bumps fiuts his hands into his 
pockets as if feeling for his pistols) That is — don't 
misunderstand me, my dear sir — but — the fact is that 
■ — in short, you may remember my friend here told 
you that if the general — the general should object to 
your marriage, you had better attempt to 

Jack, {drags him away) Now you will interfere! — 
that is not part of my scheme, and 

Bumps. Ah ! I wish I hadn't come to Uxbridge, 
because if the general should object, I shall be ob- 
liged to— 

Jack, But the general will not object, {aside) The 
conceit of these fellows with their schemes ! — The 
general admires you. Bumps ; and provided there 
should be no obelisk to your marriage in the shape of 
an engagement of your'sin another quarter— you un- 
derstand 

Bumps, {aside) What's in the wind now ! Another 
engagement > — ^No, no ; one wife at a time is quite 
enough. He ! he ! he ! 

Jack. That's what I call wit. Bumps — {bows with 
mock resjiecty and winks at the others) — and I always 
treat wit with profound respect 

Bumps, {bows) No one can accuse you of undue 
familiarity with it. 

Jaek, {to the others y who laugh, and affecting to 
laugh himself) You may well laugh. Did you ever 
before meet with such a bumpkin? 

Mrs Humphires. {without) Where is the perfidious 
monster! 



TURNING THE TABLES. 27 

Jack. Here comes my little woman ; and now, my 
boys, you shall see me give my victim his immortal 
blow. 

Enter Mrs Humphries, r. h. 

' Mrs. H. O, gentlemen ! avenge the quarrel of an 
injured woman, and, at the same time, protect a 
virtuous young lady from the danger that awaits her. 
(Jack Humphries, De Courcy, and Thornton affect 
astonishment.) 

Thorn. Pray, madam, explain. 

Jack. Madam, I wear a sword, {whispers her) Keep 
it up, my darling duck. 

Mrs. H. Tell me, I implore you tell me is Miss 
Knibbs a going to be married } 

Edgar. Yes, madam ; and the happy man is Mr. 
Jeremiah Bumps, of Coventry. 

Mrs. H. *Tis but too true, then ! O, gentlemen ! 
that lovely youth, that false, but two persuasive 
wretch, is under a promise of marriage to me. 

Bumfis. {aside) I perceive. 

Edgar. Ha! there madam, stands the culprit. 

Mrs. H. 'Tis he, indeed! Support me, or I faint, 
{to them) A perfect Jerry, positively. 

Bumfis. I do declare, now, I never saw the lady 
before in all my life. 

Mrs. H. Deny me, too! Let me get at him. 

Jack. My dear madam — {interfering) — let me ar- 
range this aflFair. {to Thornton and De Courcy) I 
flatter myself my little woman is doing this admira- 
bly. There must be some mistake ; that gentleman 
is incapable of— — iBe calm, madam, and compound 
yourself, {places a chair^ and then runs to Bumps) 
Now, trust to me — I'm your friend— I'll get you 
through this. 

Thorn. I'm astonished, general, you should take 
Mr. Bumps's part. Propose marriage to Miss Ce- 
lestina when he is under an engagement to this un- 
fortunate lady ! ' Tis atrocious. 



28 TURNING THK TAHLES. 

Jack. Atrocious J if it be true, nothing can be more 
airocies; but, I repeat it, there must be some mis- 
take, {to Bumps) Be ruled by me — I'm your friend 
— back to Coventry instantly, or you'll get into a 
dreadful scrape here. She'll never follow you there, 
I'll answer for it. 

Bumfis. Well, general, if you think so But I » 

never saw the lady before — and she knows it. {he I 
makes signs to her to be silent) Ha ! ha ! ha ! ^ 

Mrs. H; {aside) The fool is making signs to me ! 
What can he mean ^ 

Jack, {to her) Ma'am ! he has no meaning — he is 
as flat as a pancake ! Keep it up. 

Mrs. H. And does the base deceiver deny his 
promise ? 

Bumfis. Yes ; for you know I never made any. i 

Tack. (Mrs. H. starts ufi) Patience, madam, {to \ 
Bumps — takes him aside) Now, my dear fellow, since 
the lady is positive, you had better not contradict 
her, but away with you at once. 

Bumfis. W^U, I think 'twill be the best way; but 
as you are my friend, I'll confess the truth to you. 
But I wouldn't have it come to my father's ears for 
the world. — I do know the lady. 

Jack, {to Thornton) Ha ! ha ! ha > that's perfect ! 
I've persuaded him that he knows Mrs. H. 

Bumfis. I'll tell you how it happened — as you are 
my friend. You must know that when I was in Lon- « 
don last August, in the Vauxhall season I 

Jack. The Vauxhall season! (De Courcy and ' 
Thornton afifiear to listen with interest.) 

Bumps. Well — one evening, just at dusk 1 

wouldn't have mentioned it if the lady had not in- 
sisted upon it— one fine evening in August, I met 
that lady — and so — and so, we got into a hackney 
chariot and went to Vauxhall together. 

Jack, {utterly confou?ided) In a hackney cha — 
chariot — to — Vauxhall ! 

Mrs. If, The abominable creature to pretend-^! 



TURNING THE TABLES. 29 

Jack, Now then, madam, was I a jealous monster 
without cause ? 

Bumps. But let the lady tell the truth : I never 
promised to marry her. 

Thorn, {to De Courcy) Poor Humphries! the re- 
port, then, was true. 

Mrs. H. But H., my dear H., — {advancing to afi^ 
pease him.) 

Jack. Don't H. me, ma'am! — {to Bumps) As for 
you, Mister, let me tell you 

Bumfis. I thought we were friends ; but since you 

are resolved to quarrel with me {puts his hands 

into his fiockets.) 

Jack. No, sir, it isn't that, sir; but I must tell you, 
sir, that that lady is married — I happen to know it 
— and her husband, sir, is a worthy, good man. 

Bumps. He! he! he! poor devil! he must be a 
very worthy man. But the lady told me she was a 
widow — the widow of a foolish exciseman, some- 
where in the country. 

Jack. Mister ! — madam ! — 

Mrs. H. My dear Jack, I vow and declare 

Jack, {to Mrs. H.) Leave me — Cicatrice I 

Thorn. You would do well, Jack, to toss him out 
of the window. 

Jack. And so I would — but I might hurt some in- 
nocent person in the street. 

Edgar. Nevermind, Humphries, never mind ; you 
will be amply avenged ; for, thanks to this discovery, 
Mr. Knibbs himself v/ill reject such a reprobate for 
a son-in-law. {to Bumps) But the young lady shall be 
nearer acquainted with your character, sir, {Goes 
towards Miss Xnibbs's door and leads her forth.) 

Thorn I'm devilish sorry for you. Jack ; but I'll 
tell the story all over Uxbridge, and expose him. 

Enter Miss Knibbs, led forward by He. Courcy. 
Miss K. {to Jack Humphries, as she passes ; and 
taking his hand) Thank'ee, Mr. Humphries, I've 



30 TURNING THT-: TABLES. 

overheard it all ; you have carried on the joke 
charmingly. 

Jack. A joke, miss! a pretty joke for me !, 

Rdgar. Behold, young lady, the person to whom 
you are to be sacrificed ; but you are now to learn 

Miss K. I am acquainted with the fiersori's pro- 
ceedings; {with a look of extreme contemfit) and trust 
that, after the recent discovery, the fierson will not 
presume to solicit my hand. 

' Bumfis. {aside) What a tender look! smitten with 
me at first sight.^ — He! he! he! But I don't mind 
the discovery, miss, for I'm sure you don't love him, 
and, so is my father 

Miss K. Don't love him ! what does the idiot mean I 
{they all afifiear astonished.) 

Bumfis. The young gentleman that father discov- 
ered comes a-courting you — one Mr. — Mr. De Cour- 
cy. 

Edgar. Indeed! (Miss Knibbs takes De Courcy's 
hand^ and looks tenderly at him ; he at the same time 
leaning on Thornton's shoulder) The father is as 
remarkable for penetration as the son, it should seem. 

Bumps. O ! father made a world of inquiries be- 
fore he would trust me to come and be married. 
But only to think, miss, how cleverly you have im- 
posed upon the poor soft-headed young gentleman ; 
when, it you love anybody at all, it is a Mr.— I 
forget his name — a cour,in of his — you know he made 
love to you at St. Albans, where you gave him pro- 
file cut in black paper. 

Edgar, {violently) I was certain of it from the 
first, {starting from them.) 

Bumps. O, you may be quite certain of it ; it is 
the town talk in Coventry. Do you know the gen- 
tleman ? 

Edgar. Stand aside, fool ! 

Miss K, My dear Edgar, believe me 

Thorn. My dear Ned, may I perish if— 



TURNING THE TABLES. 31 

Edgar Here we part, madam, never to meet 
again. As for you, sir 

Thorn, Well, sir, since my word is insufficient — 
be it as you please. 

Mrs. H. But H.— , my darling H.— , I will be 
heard. 

Jack. Silence, madam ; you have exonerated your 
name, so go to your paramount if you please. For 
myself — Doctors' Commons shall do an injured hus- 
band right, if a habeas corfius is to be had for money. 
\^AU the characters {excefit Bumps, w/ro retains his 
filace^ and laughs aside) are walking about angiily 
and in confusion."] 

Knibbs. {without) Come with me, you saucy bag- 
gage. 

Edgar. Here comes your father, madam, to wit- 
ness my formal renunciation of your hand. 

Jack. And my separate maintenance. 

Miss K. {to Bumps) Well, sir, I hope you are sa- 
tisfied with the mischief your visit has occasioned.^ 

Bumfis. Yes, thank'ee kindly, miss, {retires ufi^ 
and arranges his dress.) 

Enter Knibbs and Patty, l. h. 

Knibbs. Now who has dared to send this foolish 
girl to prevent the arrival of the son of my old friend.^ 

Edgar. Allow me to explain, sir. 

Knibbs. How is it you are here, sir, notwithstand- 
ing my request that you would abstain } 

Edgar. This is the last time I shall offend, sir ; I 
decline the honour of an alliance with your family. 

^nz^d*. Decline! Your humble servant, sir! For 
the same reason, perhaps, that you would decline 
the pleasure of taking possession of my house and 
property. 

Edgar. At the same time it is proper you should 
know that your intended son in-law 

Jack, {comes forward) Leave that to me : I'll put 



32 TURNING THE TABLKS. 

a spoke in his wheel. Sir, you see before you the 
victim of 

Mrs. H. \^ ould you make a fool of yourself? 

Jack, No matter ivhat I make — of myself^ ma'am. 
(aside) That was cutting. — Sir, to my sorrow I know 
that your intended son-in-law is 

Bum/is. (in his own manner) Perfectly prepared 
to meet any charge that may be brought against him 
by {bows to each as he addresses them) Mr. De Cour- 
cy, Lawyer Quirk's clerk ; his friend Mr. Tom 
Thornton ; or even their formidable colleague, the 
renowned General Jacko, alias Mr. Jack Humphries, 
the exciseman. 

[7%<?y all look at each other in amazement. 

Knibbs. What! my young friend from Coventry! 
I*m heartily glad to see you. 

Patty. That isn't he, sir; that's the handsome 
young Lunnonner that gave me the money to keep 
the secret I told you. 

Knibbs. {Co Bumps) But what have I heard about 
some trick to be played off against you? — And you, 
Mr. Humphries! — what are you doing here in that 
fool's dress ? 

Jack. Really, sir, my mind is in such a state, /iro 
forma^ that 1 shall be obliged to any one that would 
tell me. 

Bumfis. I refer you for an explanation to my little 
ally, {fiointing to Patty.) 

Patty. What's it! I told you nothing but the truth, 
sir. {aside) One can see he wasn't brought up at 
Dunstable. 

Bumps. The truth is, sir- {about to explain) 

Miss K. For Heaven's sake, sir {alarmed^ 

and entreatingly.) 

Bumps, {to her, and taking- her hand) Enough, (to 
Knibbs) The case is simply this. There is a trifling 
wager of ten guineas, between these gentlemen and 
myself as to which party should outwit the other. 
The combined force against me — supported, too, by 



TURNING THE TABLES. 33 

the great artillery ot the General — presented such 
fearful odds against the unassisted powers of — he ! 
he ! he ! a poor Jerry Sneak, as they took me to be 
— that had I not fortunately obtained informatioH of 
their plan of attack, together with the disclosure of 
certain little secrets, which added to the advantages 
of my position 

Edgar, So then, the story about the people ? 

Bumfis. Is unfounded^— for any thing I know to 
the contrary. 

[Edgar takes the hands of Miss K. and Thornton. 

Jack. My dear sir — I tremble to ask it — and the 
trip to Vauxhall ? 

Bumfis, I never had the pleasure of seeing that 
lady till to-day. 

Jack. Then my little woman has passed trium- 
phantly through the fiery orgies. 

Mrs. H. And could you suspect me. Jack ? {aside 
and looking tonvarda Bunips^ The impudent crea- 
ture ! to pretend that he was the person. 

Jack, {to Thornton) Hang the fellow! he has giv- 
en me such a fright it will be well if I escape an at- 
tack of the multum in fiarvo. (Thornton luhisfiers 
him) Well, well, *tis all one ; it*s a Latin complaint. 

Knibbs. Well, I dare say you understand one 
another, but Tm as much in the dark as ever. 

Bumfis. Hear me then, sir. My union with this 
young lady is impossible ; listen therefore to the en- 
treaties of a more favoured suitor. Come, come; 

these gentlemen have lost a dinner to me, and over 
a glass of their good wine, I will suggest to you such 
reasons for your compliance 

Thorn. Mr. Humphries msisted on taking the wa- 
ger entirely upon himself, so he must— — 

Jack. Well, if I must A pleasant day I have 

had! {reluctantly flaying the money.) 

Knibbs. How is this, Mr. Humphries .> I thought 

that when you chose to set your wit at any one- ! 

But one would think vou had the worst ot the joke. 



34 TURNING THE TABLES. 



Jack' Any one that didn't understand my ticU \ 
would. I'll have one more touch at him. (to Bum^ 
The fact is, sir, if you hadn't come here anonymoui^ \ 
ly 

Thorn, Incog. 

Jack, {^persisting angrily ufion the word) Ano- 
nymously — I should have found you an easy bird of 
prey : I fancied {looks knowingly at the others) you 
were a fool. — 

Bumfis. Whilst I fancied you were a wit : let us 
each honestly confess his error and shake hands, 
(they shake hands) 

Jack. I flatter myself I had him there. 

Bumfis. You promised your friends a little amuse- ' 
ment at my expense ; but if the same end has been 
attained — though by Turning the Tables — I hope 
they will not be dissatisfied. 



DISPOSITION OF THE CHARACTERS AT THE FALL 
OF THE CURTAIN. 

Tatty. Bumps. Edgar. Miss K. Knibbs. Jack. Mrs. H. 



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